Joke of the day

Joke of the day.... 24/may/09

heres a dirty one for sher

if yr under 18 pls change post now

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.

The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.

"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."


vote for yr fav joke of the day ,everyday

LMAO! good one

Mistress Nexx *MWAH!*

a joke for today 25/may/09

my sisters were playing monoply ,the younger one lost and got angrey so my other sis started to sing the younger one got even more annoyed and told her to stop singing but she ignored it and carried on so the younger one said "if you sing all yr life yll turn into a microfone " lol not sure if yll find it funny but we did

if people who are on, each day submit their own jokes ,or ones they find then we can choose a fav one every day or each week ,what do you think

True Yet Funny
English language
The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.


this is a joke from ahajokes.com

awesome - gunna beat my English Prof over the head with this.

Mistress Nexx *MWAH!*

Hey...I know what HUMANITARIANS EAT....The actually eat Human Leavings!!!EWW Nice JOKES......

that was funny skull

joke ofthe day 29th may 09

this is a funny one ive come across a few times anyway here it is,

Bill Gates Can Choose His Punishment


Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."


Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"


Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.


When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."


Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.


Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.


Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.


"So, how is everything going?" God asked.


Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?


"That was the demo," replied God.

LOLZ....And where were the women also...??



NICE ONE SIBZ

that was part of the demo wasnt meant to be any in the real one

yeha

He was Tricked by the GOD!!

Creepy eh!!

joke of the day 31,may 09

ok heres the joke


Category: Gender
Reader Rating: 3.59
Contributor: RoseGoddess

Add This Joke To: Del.ici.us
Anniversary


A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia."

His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"

The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."


from injokes.com

This is really funny! My sister sent me that audio file in the office one day. I passed it around the office and we all laugh. The title was about Italian learning Engish. So that day our minds were full of cursing words. Then one colleague received an email and asked me what is FYI. They usually ask me for terms bec am a foreigner. I replied this way... could that be F#@K you idoit ??? Since then on they don't use FYI... ha ha ha

that is a funny one

Hahahahahhaahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahhahahahhhhhahahhahahahahahahhahahaha

So many nice jokes we have here
I will post some too if i have the time

joke of todays! 02,june 09

another joke i found browsing

Bar Joke
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

the end...

joke ofthe day


"A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning: first he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour. To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking aback and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked; why don’t you just throw out the pest? “Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, we don’t even have an air conditioner.”

joke of the day 14th ,june, 09



Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"


Thanks to: Joe Ramos
rec.:Dec/10/1998 pub.:Dec/10/1998 sent:Jun/9/2009

joke taken from www.ajokeaday.com

joke of the day 23, june, 09

Mexican smuggler


Juan pedals up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart. He empties them out and finds nothing but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that it is pure sand.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and allows him to cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, one day, Juan doesn't show up and the guard sees him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Stolen bicycles." from jokes.com